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The one with touching my body

Jannah, if you are reading please watch this youtube video in dedication to your korean singer obsession.

I have decided to do a cardiopulmonary resuscitation to this journal and start welcoming traffic like Zara on a Christmas Sale. What better time than this holiday season to talk about the recent most merriest event : the Bush shoe throwing incident.

Unless you were busy trying to finish the Stephanie Meyer series and missed the news and countless uploaded Youtube videos of the incident, let me update that the mighty brave shoe thrower got himself job offers and have inspired some 55 million of us Net surfers to practice our shoe flinging skills on http://www.sockandawe.com/ , in which the irony that most flingers are from the USA.

Being very much an inspired person and a viewer of the Style Network... I believed that if there was going to be any shoe flinging to be done in the future... I have a list of shoes in mind that could be considered. I do not necessarily condone or am promoting violence here, but put the boring brown pair of loafers or suede-like dress shoes aside and take a look at some other pairs of footwear that could do more damage than just walking.

Looking very much like a weapon of mass destruction by itself...Junya Watanabe's spiked boots from the Fall 2006 Collection.

How apt than to be charged by a flinging fierce looking Gladiator Heels by Amiclubwear.com.

If you are about being conventional and implicit this Nicolas Ghesquiere for Balenciaga heels might amplify your oxymoron stand. To hurt someone with what looks like a project of lego-esque colours knee and arm pads would certainly leave an impact like Joseph's Technicolor coat.

For the more sadistic shoe flingers, I present you the Alexander McQueen Clog Tie Sandals. Not only would it give a serious concussion to the evil politician aim ... but if you were the offspring of some skilled cowboy you might get the strap to twirl around the neck of the evil politician aimed victim.

As I would not expect most of the male population to get away with wearing any of the shoes above. I suppose a pair of Bape Sneakers would do the work, as an imprint of the grooved sole to the face would certainly send some real Stars and Stripes message.

A Disclaimer because I live in Singapore: This is not a paid post neither it is a message peppered with terrorism... Literally its similar to how you choose to pronounce the word POTATO. Your choices are to view it as a fashion post or one with sinister thoughts of ruling the world one day.
Images via Google Images Search.

the big impact by the smaller slice

I am currently on a break from working life as I have been deemed unhealthy and will be a guinea pig in a few hours time therefore, it might be anxiety that makes me to finally log on to LJ.

Dressed in my beige peter-pan collared blouse and dark brown straight cut knee length skirt, I was first educated about classification in primary school. The lady was Miss Ong; an unmarried unhappy woman who was possibly going through menopause at that time. I have always suspected that the red palettes in her body are actually blue with a red lightning bolt centralize. She possibly would never have brought chewing gum secretly in her pockets as she passes the immigration.

Miss Ong started out the 'Classification' topic by separating what I have always known as 'animals' into different groups and listing on characteristics that made them good or bad. As if the meaning of my name : 'the light of equality' already had an impact on me, I questioned on how Miss Ong seem to take favour on mammals than of the other groups of supposedly 'animals'. While the class shake their heads slightly in unison when asked if there was anything that they did not understand, my tanned and meaty right hand sprung up, with my red casio reflecting some light on to the chalkboard.

In a quick second, Miss Ong's face projected an expression that makes me wonder if it was a good idea to inquire. I asked her why she listed down more good things about mammals than lets say the reptiles, and she replied that mammals are better because humans are mammals. I proceed to ask if that was a fair answer as I am sure the reptiles have qualities that was even better than us mammals that she might not have listed. She 'shushed' me out and ask me to take my seat. I did not know if I was unhappy with that answer but I knew I continued not understanding her 'adult-style' logic.

Since the talented Miss Ong was our teacher for Mathematics too; she proceed on teaching us 'Percentage' during maths class while using 'Classification' as an example.

She drew a pie chart of the number of kids in class, being ratio out of our race. Since we only had Chinese and Malay pupils in the class, the pie chart was divided by what seems to be two contrasting slice of 'mahjong paper' pie that was cut for a biological and a foster child.

The Malays were made up of a mere 6 percent of the class, and the size of 'our' pie was reminded that we were less worthy as a minority group. Some of the classmates of the 'larger' pie were laughing at us for being small and insignificant in comparison to them.

A silly pathetic boy with a haircut that outlined a bowl made a 'muscle man' gesture and showed a thumbs down hand sign as he sticked out his tongue. I looked over at Miss Ong to get some authoritative help, but was blatantly ignored. I waved my right hand again, and stood up without permission to get her attention. She was certainly not pleased and asked me in a twang of Singlish, "WHAT NOW, ADILLAH?" I asked her why that bowled haircut boy was allowed to behave the way he did and she replied with a sigh that the bigger number it is, the more value that group is. Therefore it was supposedly acceptable if that bad haircut boy felt superior and I should not care as it was reality that the lesser your value the less significant your group was.

I furiously sat down and turned to my table partner who was in the same small number group as me. I slightly shouted; intentionally questioning the wide-eyed girl whether it was my fault that I was born in a small group and does that mean that I would not be significant all my life? Miss Ong heard my conversation but she continued on not caring and proceed in dividing the class by gender. Of course, if I had read 'Sing to the dawn' before that class, I would have interupt with another question.

Through out, Miss Ong was never kind to me. I did not know if it was her way of 'reverse psychology', but she certainly made that academic year unhappy by influencing my art teacher who felt that I was 'disturbed' with morbid un-Barney like art.

Honestly, if i were to walk pass Miss Ong one of these fine glorious day, I would certainly stop her and explain to her how her actions back then had impact on my psychological acceptance of myself making me rock back and forth with a certain kind of identity crisis during those sad period of puberty.

But as one who looks at the glass as 'half full' presently, Miss Ong turned a possible Siti Nurhaliza listener to a fan of Dr Lily Zubaidah Rahim. It was almost a mission not to behave like a bad stereotype of the supposedly small group of people I fall under.

Although I do not turn out to be a valedictorian at NUS with political science honors, I chose a route that I am passionate in, and I think I am not doing that bad for now, and I will try hard to be better than not bad soon. I get proud and happy every once in a while I come by other minorities who achieve their personal dreams and prove their worth alongside the bigger piece of the pie.

Therefore, it was not a surprise that I was online refreshing on my phone while watching channel news asia in the waiting room frantically. I was elated with the results and started to text people in my phonebook who i figured would love some sort of 'happy ending'.

As far as how one could complain on the state of the current destroyed world, I feel blessed to live in an era where once blacks and whites use to not even drink from the fountain to a present time on which a black was elected as president.  Most importantly he was significant in my eye not because he is a minority but that he was elected because that a majority percentage of the multi-coloured nation that blacks and whites are equal;  Barack Obama was elected into office because the USA felt that he is the best person for the job. For that moment, binary opposition and what divides wrong or right, gay or straight, bad or good did not matter. It certainly was a momentous event even for me being in Singapore and not Grant Park. Whatever the residents of USA political views were; red states or blue states, it was nice watching the United States.

It is questionable, to how long Singapore would take to have such change and acceptance with people like Miss Ong still around. Not about just running the country, perhaps to be enlisted in the navy? I honestly forget what its like to feel proud for my country during national day, for as much as I feel for my country, its doubtful what my country feel about people like me.

May this significant Obama, be not just a saviour, but a great sign towards the right direction. May he continue being an inspiration, and be continually bless.

I might actually been lied to in accordance to the date that I was really born. I am not fun, zesty or life of the party. I would fit perfectly fine with the horoscope that compiles people who zones out. Being placed in a can with all those who have no idea about what it feels to feel at this very moment. Not knowing what kind of a phase or rut that is going by or am stuck unto. In this group, I would probably not stand out at all, like what a Leo would. I would blend in. Just like wearing wallpaper and angling myself to blend with the walls of the surroundings without much effort.

I am certainly not walking down the hallway with a pass that wrote – ‘Permission to feel sucky for I am a lady with premenstrual syndrome.’ But lately I have been under emotional tension that does not go away with the fluid retention of premenstrual period. It just stays. It stays like the girl who wears wallpaper that blend with the walls. Its not because she don’t want to move, its just that she do not know why she have to feel like she fits in there.

I prayed and tried so hard to sail away from this dock of gloom but I do not know how to set my sail. I do not know what this thing is. I call it a ‘thing’ as I am sure that it is not really a feeling. This thing might be a little or maybe actually a lot like unhappiness. It comes together with a stinging continuous throb at the central area of the chest and some fine lines under the eyelid and on the forehead. It gives out a slight aroma of numbness, but do not quite hit the jackpot with that. There is no balance to have some sense of gravity. It is neither floatation nor a sinking device. Its if you were to hold the beating organ, it runs so fast that it might just slip through those grubby, indelicate, un-gloved fingers and just splat it. But I’m not sure if it’s going to splat or run with the wind if it got out from those insignificant fingers.

I do not need a pill to help ‘lessen’ this thing. I need a vacuum, which sucks it out, turn it all into one huge dust bunny that could just be thrown away. Not to be recycled afterwards, but just for it to be thrown into an infinite abyss.

just a prayer

dear god,

thank you so much for the continuos incoming opportunities that been nothing but beneficial to my CV. i know as much as i always asked for more experiences, wealth and opportunities. please grant me health and strength to get through work and life. please do not stop my perseverance and please keep my determination running and do grant me a balance in life plus wisdom to get me through the many routes i face each day.

and to people who are being an ass to me because of my extinct social life...i feel like sending each of them a foam middle finger. but since i cant do that, could you just make them feel less bitter about themselves so that they would stop picking on my flaws that i myself am trying to overcome as a human.

thank you god. i know you're listening. i love you.
I'm desperate.

Desperate to know of any places in Singapore that looks like its abandon... or is really abandoned...
looks dilapidated and probably seems like u need shots to prevent you from all kind of diseases.
yes im exaggerating and it does seem that i am turning my journal into an ad forum of some sort.
but im running out of places to recce for locations that looks, old, abandoned... yet visually appealing in all its urban-decayness glory. warehouse, railway, shipyards, anything old and beautiful...pleaseee do leave a comment, and i will be truly grateful...

twenty three

Happy Birthday Geri Halliwell
Happy Birthday Robin Van Persie
Happy Birthday Andy Warhol
Happy Birthday M.Night Shyamalan
Happy Birthday Michelle Yeoh...

and oh also me :) hehehehe
not so much of a happy day... but am still thankful and very much blessed <3.



For an upcoming TVC that I am working on I am in need of kick ass drummers.
By Kick ass i mean, so good that your momma bootie will shake.
Drummers who can do a mean drum solo.
And best of all if he is highly skilled enough to even drum with one arm.

And yes it is possible to drum with one arm.
But im not searching for the Travis Barker, but possibly a highly skilled asian version who is in the early 20s or looks like he is in the early 20s who would love the opportunity to show on national television his skills and get paid at the same time.

If you know of anybody who is interested or fit the bill... or perhaps you yourself can ratatatat and love to be casted / auditioned...
please leave a comment or email me at dillah@gravityfilms.com.sg or 3bagsfull@gmail.com
Will love to answer any queries as I cannot reveal too much here.



i want to watch the dark knight.
instead of farhan and jufri as neighbours, i have our SM as a neighbour.